At 10 years old my youngest son, Nicholas, had a very best friend named Caleb who was less than two months younger than him. The boys originally got myself and Caleb's grandmother (his guardian/provider) to talk by sharing our phone numbers with each other along with relentless begging to call so we could set up a play date about three years earlier. Eventually I spoke to Denise (Caleb's Grandmother) and immediately felt comfort in her experience with similar struggles and I really appreciated her honesty. Clearly a down to earth woman who was not even a little bit judgmental and unafraid to say it like it is. We hit it off right away which worked out great for the boys!
Both Nick and Caleb became friends riding the bus together. They were both in a special school designed for children with developmental delays and/or behavior issues too extreme for the public school system to handle appropriately. It was difficult to set up play dates with their peers for a couple reasons. First, both of them and all of their classmates had behavior issues which escalated when they were together and the second obstacle was even meeting the other parents at all due to privacy laws since they were all in that school due to their disabilities which meant no list of other parents or their contact information was shared. Nick had friends from cub scouts and the YMCA but none from school up to that point.
I cannot remember the first playdate they had but I do remember being blown away at how much alike and in sync they were. Caleb's grandmother also had his sister and his cousins living in the house at that time so everyone was happy when he came over. One less kid for Denise (not that she would EVER turn any kid away... I call her the woman in the shoe which is a story about a woman with a bunch of kids). Anyway, Nick and I were happy too since it was just him and I, he got someone to play with and I got some time to myself and Caleb got a break from a house full of kids that were all younger than him. It worked out so well it became a regular thing. I was so happy to see Nick happy and Caleb was always an angel for me (what behavior problem? LOL) so why not!?
Over those years Caleb became another son to me. I would call Denise and ask if we could grab him all the time. I took them trick-or-treating every year and he would sleep over New Year's eve (I was single and my life revolved around Nick so I wasn't sacrificing anything). I really loved our New Year's tradition, they made a blanket fort on the living room floor while I camped out on the couch and we'd wait for the ball to drop. (I am not sure if I ever stayed awake for that but I know the boys always did!) Nick's behavior issues would usually intensify when playing with other kids his age, almost seemed that the calmer the other child was the crazier Nick became. Things were different with Caleb. First of all, he never did act up when I had him (Sorry Denise, I don't know why that was) but the best part was that when the boys were together Nick was calmer. Denise was comfortable letting me take Caleb since she knew I dealt with all kinds of crazy behaviors with Nick so I wasn't going to be horrified but always ready to save his life if it came to that.
At the time this story unfolded I had Caleb with me a few times a week. The boys didn't care what we did as long as they were together. I had just gotten a car and wanted to go places every chance I got. If I had money I took them out to eat, took them to haunted houses and whatever else we came up with for fun crap to do. If I was broke that didn't stop us! I would bring them to animal shelters to pet the animals, take them to Guitar Center and let them play with instruments for a while or sometimes just get drinks and snacks and drive around listening to music (they liked the same rappers). I remember one ride in particular when a DJ on a popular rap station said to call in with request so I grabbed my phone and threw it in the back seat, told them to call the station and choose a song. I told them to decide who would talk since the request would be played on the radio. Right away Nick gave Caleb the phone knowing how much it meant to him. When the DJ answered Caleb fumbled nervously trying to say the name of the song, the DJ was very nice and had him say it a few times until he got it right so he could play it on the radio. Then we waited for it to play, I drove around thinking it would be an hour tops.... well I drove for hours while we anxiously waited to hear Caleb on the radio. It got to the point that Denise was looking for him and I had to head to his house. As we pulled up to his house it finally played!! It was all worth it to see the smile on his face! I was also seeing another side of Nick, even though I'm sure he would have loved to hear himself on the radio, he gave that moment to his friend and was clearly genuinely happy for him.
One trip to BJs with the boys after a few years of constant togetherness Caleb said something that let me know he knew how much He loved me, yet it was just sad too. The boys were messing around and I told them to knock it off, Caleb said "Ok Mom". Nick said "She is like your Mom isn't she". Caleb replied "She is. I have two Moms, your Mom and Denise, I'd have three Moms if my Mom would pay attention." Ugh but awww. That was the same time period that I took them for breakfast every Thursday before dropping them off at school. Thursday was payday so I always took Nick to McDonald's for breakfast, then I started grabbing Caleb too. The last breakfast adventure was at Friendly's where we talked and laughed as usual. At school Caleb had an issue that day and ultimately had to leave the school for a couple weeks.
Nick's birthday is in December and that year he wanted a song he had written recorded by a friend of his older brother. The guy that recorded it did that professionally so I paid him for a few hours of his time while Nick, Caleb, Nick's brother and a few friends hung out. The song is called "Love is a Drug" and Nick's rap name at the time was Lil Scar. He did a great job and included Caleb by having him sing a line on the track. Caleb was still not back in school yet but Denise had a meeting with them that next Monday to figure it all out. I told her to let me know how it went so we could get back to our Thursday thing.
I remember calling and texting Denise that Monday not knowing why on earth she wasn't answering to let me know how things went. I thought maybe it didn't go well and I would give her time to call me when she was ready. The next morning she called me at about 9:30 while I was working. I took the call since I was dying to know what was going on. I don't remember how the conversation started, all I remember was the part when she told me Caleb was in the hospital. She told me he had hung himself, they got him to the hospital but they don't know how long he had been there he was now on life support and she didn't know if he was going to make it. I remember feeling devastation in that moment. My brother died that way. She couldn't stay on the phone but wanted me to know. Now WTF do I do? Is he going to make it? What am I supposed to tell my 10 year old son? Caleb's birthday was in February so he was still just 9 years old. I was going to have to tell Nick because we were all so close there was no way I could hide my emotions but I am also very honest with him and just wanted to be sure I gave him the news with all necessary supports in place. I called his sitter (who is like family to us) to tell her what was going on and I wanted her with us when I told him. Then as I was asking myself how you tell a 10 year old his best friend may not live through the night I began calling anyone who might know how this works. (No one knew since a 9 year old committing suicide is not a thing that most have even thought about facing). I called therapists, family and even called the pediatrician. All day I was dreading that conversation. The scariest part was that fine line between hope and reality. I needed him to know Caleb might be an angel soon but at the same time we can't lose hope. Later that day Nick was sitting on the living room floor when I told him that Caleb was in the hospital and that we needed to pray but he might be hurt too badly to wake up again. Nick sat on the floor and wept for almost two hours.
Caleb did wake up and after some time in the hospital was able to walk and talk again. We were not able to visit him due to Nick being so young and not related. Over the next few months Denise would send videos of him but let me know that the brain damage was severe and had damaged his memory pretty bad. He went from the hospital to an institution that would be able to help him neurologically as well as emotionally. I had been asking when we could see him knowing it would give Nick great relief to see him and Denise set up a visit for us.
On our way to the hospital I told Nick to remind me to be strong and not to cry. Denise had made it clear that she wasn't sure if he would recognize or remember us so if I was crying that would just confuse him more. Nick and I were putting our jackets in a locker when Caleb walked by with a group of kids. Nick told me he just saw Caleb and I asked if Caleb saw him. He said they saw each other but he didn't know if Caleb remembered him. Right then Caleb came back around the corner and hug tackled Nick! After getting back to his feet he looked at me with this big smile on his face. I didn't think there was any way he could know how much I loved him but I was going to stay strong and not cry. He grabbed my waist and gave me the best hug! His face was up against me so I couldn't see him, I was choking back tears when I looked at Denise who said to Caleb "Its ok, you don't have to cry". And that was it! He cried first... so I gave myself permission. I knew in that moment that not only did he know how much I loved him, I found out how much he loved me. Unforgettable.
That was almost four years ago now. We don't see him anymore. He still has medical issues and goes to a different school now. I still talk to Denise and know he is doing well. Nick will always consider Caleb his best friend whether they see each other or not. I don't know why he did what he did or if there was a specific reason. I do know we will always love him and hope some day they will be able to spend time together again. He is better now. ❤️
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