I have been told I have experienced a lot of loss in my life. It has been my experience so it is my norm. I will start at the beginning. That is where I began a pretty unhealthy thought process where the deaths of those around me are concerned. I also have an understanding most don't from my near death experience while on life support for five days in 2005.
My first loss was my Great Grandmother. My Mom's Mom. I was the youngest of five kids and I spent a lot of my childhood with my both of my Grandmothers. I called them Grammy T and Grammy D. Grammy D was my Great Grammy, she was about 96 when she died. She lived a full and amazing life. She was a devout Catholic and the most peaceful kind woman I have ever known. I was so sad when she died. I was about 9 years old and had just moved away from Maine where I grew up with her. When I started to cry about it I immediately told myself I had no right to cry, I knew she was older and she was going to die. It was her time. So I did not cry about it, I sang Amazing Grace at her funeral and will always remember her with nothing but fond memories.
I'm really searching my memory to figure out who was next. There were great aunts and uncles that passed. My mother's father had passed in the Vietnam War and my Dad's father had died of cancer when he was young. His mom eventually died from Alzheimer's. I knew maybe two kids from Brockton that had died violent deaths but I told myself I could not care at all about people who are not related to me dying. Not close enough to anyone outside of family to be feeling bad for myself.
The first really traumatic one was 2002 when my brother hung himself at 31 years old. So sad. I did cry a lot. But I pushed all of those feelings aside, oh shit, let's be honest, I ran, had the car accident right after, then got back together with my daughter's father who did nothing but abuse me. When I was on life support in 2005 I had a dream or vision or something where I floated upward and saw my brother and Grammy D. I went to hug them, I was so happy to see them. My brother put his arm out straight and wouldn't hug me. They kept telling me to go back and that I was not done. Weird part was no one moved their lips. Ever since then I really believe in Angels and afterlife. I believe there is freedom from the chains of this life after we leave this body. It is us who feel the pain from the loss, but our loved ones are experiencing freedom and relief from all pain. So that along with mentally distancing myself from those that have passed sets the stage for how I have coped with what others call "so much loss".
After my brother it was Grammy T. She was healthy. She was 85 years old but still drove a Ford pickup truck and had just brought a cord of wood into her basement herself. She was a nut. She just had a heart attack from clogged arteries she didn't know about. Around that time I lost a friend named Nate. That was weird because we lived in the same neighborhood in Brockton but had moved away years ago and were both living in different towns for years. He was drinking and driving and crashed his car right in front of his old house and died. I went to his wake but I did not allow myself to cry at all, I hadn't even tried to look him up for years, I had no right to feel bad for myself and I knew in my heart he was ok. I had a few acquaintances overdose over my drug years, but obviously I didn't let that phase me. The one time I felt sad, not sure if I cried, was when a girl named Kelly overdosed and died. We were in a program that allowed us our own apartments with our kids but required us to attend groups and drug testing. We were pretty close. I had been getting frustrated with her for using. I was sober two years and it wasn't easy. So we hadn't spoken for a week or two when she died in her apartment in front of her three year old. I literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about dope. I hate that crap, I'll get to it but it has taken a lot from me. Then I guess it was my Aunt Sandy, my Dad's sister. She had cancer.
Then it was my biological Dad. That one sucked! At 63 years old he was diagnosed Stage 4 Lung Cancer. They could not remove his lung because of his heart problems and the damage to his other lung from smoking all those years. They told him if he did nothing he had about 8 months to live. He could do Chemo but that will just prolong the inevitable and he will be sick. He chose not to take the latter rout and not like my opinion matters but I completely respected his decision. He would laugh at the guys down at the VFW when he was about 6 months into his death sentence, and the guy next to him crying about his life at the bar when he really had nothing to cry about. My dad was stupid funny, I have to share this one! He wanted to financially take care of as many of his affairs as he could so as not to leave my step mom totally fkd. He called me one day and said "Jessie, guess what I did today!" "What did you do Dad?" "I bought my ticket to the BBQ!" OMG! He was talking about paying for his cremation! LOL! I begged him not to repeat that in front of his grandkids. He ultimately lived 13 months, sick only the last couple months and died at 64 years old. The really strange thing was the one year anniversary of his death was July 1, 2012 which was the ten year anniversary of burying my brother. I was a hot drunk mess that day.
I may be missing some but the next big one was Joe. Joe dated my Mom from the time I was 3 until I was 8 years old. My dad had never been around in my life. Joe was the first father figure I remember. He was a very internationally well known philosopher. He proposed to my Mom but she had 5 of us and he was traveling the world, she declined. He never stopped sending me letters, cards and gifts from different countries throughout my life. He is a long story, maybe I'll share some time. He died a slow painful death praying Chemo would save him from Pancreatic Cancer but it didn't. I guess I skipped the emotional part for my Dad. I fell to my knees in tears at the news of both Joe and Dad. The pain of losing Joe lingered longer, he was such a huge consistent part of my life.
I'm pretty sure I'm not missing any other big ones. The next was my Mom. She was a couple years younger than my Dad. She did not smoke. They were both in different marriages for 30+ years by the time they were diagnosed. I think it was 2014 when my Mom was diagnosed with a different kind of Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Her cancer had already spread. In fact, she went to the doctor because her hip hurt, they found a tumor and biopsied it, when they did they found lung cells and that's how they knew it was lung cancer that had spread. She also already had 5 spots in her brain. My Mom chose to fight. She fought a long hard 2 1/2 year battle when they didn't think she'd make it three months even with chemo. The whole thing was so hard. Especially in the end. I took care of her a few days a week and honestly just wished her suffering could stop. she passed 2016. My best friend Doug and his Mom brought Nick and I to Mom's wake and took us out for dinner after. I adopted Doug's Mom and Doug was my best friend. I could call him at 3AM and he would come over and make me and omelet AND wash the dishes! What an amazing guy, and really expecting nothing in return, we had been friends for about 6 or 7 years. He had that nasty habit I hated! Stupid Perks! I was at his wake two months later. He died in his sleep. Again, I cried out of shock. I was not expecting it at all. And I needed him more than ever I needed my best friend to talk to! My mom just died...now my best friend...I caught myself a million times going for his name on my phone to call him. The receiving line at his wake was uncomfortable, everyone was asking if I was ok, I was supposed to be asking them! They were making it hard for me to minimize our relationship so that I could convince myself I don't even have any right to feel sad.
The next loss is one that I am still in shock from. I lost my fiancé, Tommy May 18, 2021. This one is way different. I am still crying three months later. Sometimes still sob like a baby. The difference between Tommy and all the other "losses"? I was not planning on spending the rest of my life with any of them. It was unexpected and at first I was smashed with the reality that in an instant all of our plans had become memories. I am stuck at accepting that he is even gone. So I'm not really going to get into this one for now.
The point I want to make is this. When whatever that vision of my brother and Grammy D happened I have just known since then that it is ok when we leave our bodies, I am positive. So I know the grieving we do is all our own inner struggle, they are now free and we have gained another angel, one we can talk to ANY time. First we must accept they are gone before we can enjoy the comfort of knowing they are close to us forever. Maybe I lost out on having the company of a bunch of cool humans I really wish I had more time with, but it was the Universe's plan for them so I accept that. I want to accept that so I can enjoy ghostly visits from the Angels I love
Comments