1/10/12
Think I have written this story a hundred times one way or another! It is hard to gather my thoughts and try to believe I could ever convey the story within. But I really want to try! I want anyone who reads to understand I have felt a desperation and self hatred that brought me to death …. And back, and yet I have overcome the ridiculously LOW expectations my loved ones set for me! Sometimes I wonder if I should just get it over with, buy 20 cats, so I can officialy become the “crazy cat lady” that I see for my futer (when it comes to my social life). But on a more serious note, I have recently proven to myself that I am capable of ANYTHING, I may really be …. Superwoman! I have three children who not only STOLE my heart, they BECAME my heart! (even have the tattoo over my left breast J) But they gave me the only three reasons I originally had to live..at 19 years old…I wanted to do what I believed was best for any kid alive, I wanted to feel like I mattered and my thoughts and feelings meant something no matter what when I was a kid, and I think that is the perfect recipe for a stable, well adjusted child if you can give them those things. Validate all the humans and the feelings they have that are around you! I think my knowledge of this fact should most definitely be passed on, I wasn’t raised with the beliefs I have gained through trial and error, but since I have already lived through the “hell” of it, anyone I love deserves the opportunity to learn from MY mistakes, as I am aware of how painful it is and hope that no one I love ever goes through anything like what I survived to this point. I understand the normal mind thinks I put myself through “unnecessary” trauma, but what I DID … came from a place of total confusion, due to what had been done to me as a child. I was unaware of what “unconditional” love was, and had no concept of compassion toward myself, as I had not experienced that as a child. I beat myself up every day, I try so hard to learn from my mistakes, as well as to learn from pain that is inflicted upon me by way of dysfunctional love, and yet to separate myself from the dysfunction leaves me out of the family (a lonely feeling for a single mother who is afraid to date) and I wonder, am I wrong? Or are THEY wrong? What a crappy spot to be in! I remember the rage that was ingrained into me, and yet my emotions are so confused I don’t ever realy know where to direct the feelings I experience, but I know from what I have been taught, is that SOMEBODY deserves this pain other than me, and I should help! I am currently trying like hell to teach myself “healthy” love, and so far, I think I have made good choices in that area, but yet I feel completely alone and it makes me wonder if I am doing the right thing. I have spent my life looking for “answers” and feel like I have received many, some unwillingly! So many desperate times I created for myself along the way, out of desperation of course, but how do I accept the ways I have hurt myself and loved ones through my desire to run, and in the end, I spend my time moving forward in life (running from the girl I once was and yet still running) but moving forward always now. I am sure I am still running, I am running from the unsuccessful drug addicted loser I once was, but she was running away from a severely Sexualy, Physicaly and Emotionaly Abusive childhood. I don’t want to blame my misfortunes on my childhood, but I made decisions from a crazy childhood to continue the madness into my teen years, but at my own expense! I basically said “You will not beat me with your bat anymore…..Give it to me!” at which point I proceeded to beat the shit out of myself, in a way more terrible than anyone else had ever abused me, and I have been my own biggest victim AND abuser since then, that was 12 years ago!
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